Overwhelmed

I am not real sure how I am still functioning. Is there a point where you just can't contain anymore information?

If so I am almost there. Whether it is studying for school, morning Bible study, what it means to be a church leader, or just meditating on thoughts going through my head, there is a lot to take in and think about.

I continually ask myself if I have committed to too much, did I pass the point of my potential? And yet I am amazed that I have made it this far into the semester and not utterly lost it. God's grace and strength is showing forth.

Over the last few weeks I have never had more questions about my faith, nor more testing of my flesh. I was overwhelmed and my thoughts were wrong. I thought that I could merit favor before God, like there was something I could do to make Him love me more or think better of me. I had to step back and consider why I was doing the things I was doing, was it cause I loved Jesus or did I just want to feel important(self gratification). Why were these thoughts there in the first place? I know I am saved and yet I still heard a small voice (Satan) saying well how do you know? Where are the cold hard facts? I forgot the simple assurance of Hebrews 12:5-6 which says "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punished everyone he accepts as a son."

I must confess that I did not go about this the right way. The best thing I could have done was to tell some of my close friends and even leaders of my church, and allow them to help me through this struggle with prayer and counsel.

Finally today I talked about it with my close friend and mentor Chris, and even though I was a little reluctant to talk and once I was talking I didn't feel like I was much making sense, he understood me and was quick with words of discipline and encouragement. If you are asking do those two words go together let me answer, yes they do. One of my biggest struggles is transparency letting people in and telling them what is going on in my life, such as things that are on my mind or where I am at spiritually and mentally. It has been great to get to know Chris and all the Feldmans, for that matter, they have helped me more than they can ever know.

A great quote from Matt Chandler has also refreshed my thinking, he says "Holy is about being, and we have made it about doing."

By the grace of God and through His wisdom He has revealed this area where I have struggled. Where I have made holiness about doing things with selfish motives, instead of being holy and reflecting Christ through the things I do. I am extremely grateful that He choose to show me this, I mean I could still be ignorant to that fact and living in selfish sin.

So where am I today?

Well I am freed, I know I will not have all the answers and I don't need too otherwise faith would be useless, I am striving to be more transparent, and I am reevaluating all that I do. My primary focus must be on making the truth about Christ known. It is not about me and what I can get out of it, rather it is reflecting the actions, words and finished work of Jesus.